A mental jazz - that rides the river of memoirs, thoughts, and ideals of the human drama. As William Irwin Thompson - who put Wilber in his place, abstraction built upon abstraction with his reserved for the top. This will not do - for reality is dynamic and nature does not rest - we go from light to light, dark to light, light to dark, and dark to dark in our search. Then there is something that is called love, for a dog or mother, a so called lover - that seems to illuminate; is this the weak support and hope Rilke is talking about in the Elegies? I pursue the integral, because I must to be whole - for why should I want to forego the soul, the Buddhist privilege in being human? But I can't repress the body, asceticism is economical it seems; but does not settle well. As Freud would say - expand the ego to include the super-ego and the id. I certainly have explored the depth of the id, as revealed in a dream of a deep pit in the supermarket parking lot - but in doing so, it makes walking difficult and also in providing for basic needs like food. So, some of the id has been brought to the ego, and also the spiritual quest I felt in reading and following Bonheoffer’s "Cost of Discipleship", then pursuing the radical idea of equal care and love for all. But at that time, all was only a group of "believers" that did not include all sentient beings, and had no sensibilities for beauty or the wider truth that is. The ideal has remained, which is also linked with the unique personality of the Stoics, the civil liberties of the French and American revolution - and the Aurobindo quest for the psychic being - but its unclear as to how individual is that psychic being